Love being Bald ? !

Its amazing how one simple act can alter ones perceptions of everything. And who would have thought that such a act would have such an impact on someone like me. I remember distinctly how I felt before Sept 3 2010. It was my greatest fear. Thinking back to 2 years ago, I can still feel that overwhelming fear. 2 years ago I was facing my second bout of actually being bald. I was once bald as a 8 year child. And it was the worse thing that I endured. I suffered from bullyings, thinking that there was something wrong with me, to enduring people thinking that somehow it was my moms fault or my own. The doctors had no answers, the only thing I remember being told was that I was over stressed. Sounded completely ludicrous that a 8 year little girl would be so stressed as to cause hair loss. Being a shy child this didn’t help much. Eventually my hair would grow back, but those thoughts stuck with me for years, even into adulthood. In my mind there was nothing worse than the idea of being bald. I remember bargaining, asking for anything but being bald. I would have rather be dying of cancer than to go thru that again. If I was completely honest with myself during that time, I was so scared of being bald that I would have preferred death. It wasn’t til I found others that were going thru what I was that I finally had an outlet for my emotions. I found a network of people that I didn’t even know exist. I was able to talk with those that were both knowing what I felt like and those going those the same emotional struggle. It was that, that I finally turned a corner of such. I still remember my first comment on the chat window “help me……” But not willing to let anyone in on my life, not even those that fully understood, I quickly logged off. I didn’t want to hear an answering reply. Slowly I would share my thoughts and feelings and very slowly I started to feel better. I was no longer alone. Many tears were still shed as I came to terms with what was happening to my body. I still hadn’t shown anyone my degree of loss of hair, I still felt too much shame. The only one that ever saw the extent of my hair loss was my doctor. Every 6 weeks like clock work I went to his office and experienced the painful injections. Every 6 weeks for 10 years I did those injections, and lotions and potions. Not only was I suffering emotionally but physically as I put myself thru the treatments. That ultimately didn’t work. There wasn’t a day that went day during those years of treatments that I didn’t cry, or get so angry at the world.
Then came the day that I knew would eventually come, aswell as the day that I dreaded. I would become bald by my own hand. I shaved the very hair off my head. In that act everything altered. Not only did I let go of my hair, but I also let go something bigger. To put my finger on that something is something I still have difficulty describing. The profoundness of it still boggles my mind. Its more than anything physical. Its a way of thinking. Its a letting go of negativity, a letting go of things out of my control, and concentrating on what is important. Concentrating on the important things in my life, the physical, the emotional, and the intellectual. It was also shortly afterwards that I found a book about the Dalia Lama. And in there I found similar thoughts of letting go and holding on.
Is being bald the answer or was it the act of being bald that holds the answers. I would like to think its the letting go, knowing that the hair loss was something I couldn't escape. But by the act of picking of the clippers I took back a little bit of myself. And also coming to the realization that hair or lack of wasn't going to change who I was underneath. Being bald has allowed me to express myself fully, its a releasing of a curtain of my life. And for that I wouldn't want my hair back for anything. I find myself more forgiving, understanding and less judgmental. I'm open to trying more things, doing more and just living. Taking chances. Because of the lack of hair?? Or what its taught me. Either way I know where I stand now in this world. And I'm getting closer to what I want out of it. And its more than just living it. Its thriving in life. To make an impact.