I don't share this to tell this chapter of my life, in fact this is a portion of my life Im not very proud of. It shames me still. But maybe just by chance someone will read this and can relate with circumstances in their own life and it will help.
When I was 24 years old I went through a suicidal depression. And I stayed in that spot for about 3 years. I was 24 and living on my own and my parents who reunited 10 years prior were going through another separation. I wasn't hurt or upset that they were calling it quits a second time. Hell the fact that they gave it another go was impressive, but ultimately some things are not meant to be. What sent me on my downward spiral was my father.....He actually expected me to put things back together. He told me it was my fault that for a second time it didn't work and I was to fix their relationship. With the ultimatum that if I was not to do what he demanded then I could "get the hell out of his life" His exact words still ring in my ears even after all these years..... "if you don't put us together again you can get the hell out of my life." WOW ...from a parent, the one that should love you unconditionally. It left me feeling as if I was unimportant as a person, that I didn't matter other than to be used as a pawn. Well if he couldn't and wouldn't love me, and my mom struggling, finding her footing again as a single person. Where did that leave me? During this time that is what I thought anyways. And I acted out in similar fashion. Pushing anyone away that tried to get close to me or to help me. If I let them in then they could hurt me also. And men would have a harder time, a little girl will always judge men by her daddy, and this grown lady didn't have the best example. I was going to hold my heart and trust closely. It was better to be alone or as I did attempted to do, not be here at all. My low self esteem with dealing with my alopecia didn't help matters either. For it was still a deep dark secret that I let know no one in on. And if I did happen to tell anyone, it was to test them.
Luckily I'm here today and that's why I sharing this with whom ever is reading.
It took me years, years of self discovery and soul searching. It took years of fighting with myself. (and sadly with my mom ....Im sorry mom ... I love you and you are my rock) It is harder to help your self and heal yourself then it is to continue blaming others and staying negative. But the rewards when you achieve a glimpse of the happiness inside far out weigh anything you could find in the external world. For me it was definitely a day to day progress. It was waking up each day saying "OK that last hour wasn't so bad." or "that day was actually fun" Then taking that energy from that hour or that moment and holding on to it. Fighting to keep it. Knowing that if you achieve another day of that same positive energy things are that much better. Taking things hour by hour, day by day was what I worked to achieve. I also sought professional help. And I had learn to forgive. Forgive those that wronged me, not for them but for me. To let go of that build up of negativism; holding on to it against others won't change them but it does change me. Letting go of that and forgiving them allows me to move forward. Forward to brighter opportunities.
Taking the small steps and believing in your strength. This is not a one shot deal either. It is something I do everyday. Even when things are good and I'm feeling great I still fight on. Believing in the strength I found within and having felt its power allows me to bounce back easier each time an obstacle crosses my path. I know today that I can handle it. I allow people to come into my life, knowing that the potential exists that they could hurt me. I don't fear the hurt like I use to. Each time someone walks out they taught me a little more about myself. Of qualities I want and need in my life. When the dust settles, after breaking through the obstacles, the ones standing beside you are the ones to keep.
All our adversities are ours and ours alone but its the not allowing fear of being hurt, of believing in our strength that allows us to combat through them. Like a single mother raising her babies and still believing in finding love. She has to let someone in, knowing the potential of being hurt is there, but trusting in her own strength to help her through.
Stepping out from the cloud of secrecy with my alopecia has helped me greatly also. It has given me freedom to express myself and not worry about what others think. Holding onto that secret didn't allow me to let anyone in, to trust them. Having found happiness within myself, I know I can find it again when things get difficult.
Fight on, keep trying and working and striving for self healing. Allow others in cause you just don't know when you find the ones to keep if you don't try.
Luckily I'm here today and that's why I sharing this with whom ever is reading.
It took me years, years of self discovery and soul searching. It took years of fighting with myself. (and sadly with my mom ....Im sorry mom ... I love you and you are my rock) It is harder to help your self and heal yourself then it is to continue blaming others and staying negative. But the rewards when you achieve a glimpse of the happiness inside far out weigh anything you could find in the external world. For me it was definitely a day to day progress. It was waking up each day saying "OK that last hour wasn't so bad." or "that day was actually fun" Then taking that energy from that hour or that moment and holding on to it. Fighting to keep it. Knowing that if you achieve another day of that same positive energy things are that much better. Taking things hour by hour, day by day was what I worked to achieve. I also sought professional help. And I had learn to forgive. Forgive those that wronged me, not for them but for me. To let go of that build up of negativism; holding on to it against others won't change them but it does change me. Letting go of that and forgiving them allows me to move forward. Forward to brighter opportunities.
Taking the small steps and believing in your strength. This is not a one shot deal either. It is something I do everyday. Even when things are good and I'm feeling great I still fight on. Believing in the strength I found within and having felt its power allows me to bounce back easier each time an obstacle crosses my path. I know today that I can handle it. I allow people to come into my life, knowing that the potential exists that they could hurt me. I don't fear the hurt like I use to. Each time someone walks out they taught me a little more about myself. Of qualities I want and need in my life. When the dust settles, after breaking through the obstacles, the ones standing beside you are the ones to keep.
All our adversities are ours and ours alone but its the not allowing fear of being hurt, of believing in our strength that allows us to combat through them. Like a single mother raising her babies and still believing in finding love. She has to let someone in, knowing the potential of being hurt is there, but trusting in her own strength to help her through.
Stepping out from the cloud of secrecy with my alopecia has helped me greatly also. It has given me freedom to express myself and not worry about what others think. Holding onto that secret didn't allow me to let anyone in, to trust them. Having found happiness within myself, I know I can find it again when things get difficult.
Fight on, keep trying and working and striving for self healing. Allow others in cause you just don't know when you find the ones to keep if you don't try.
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